


how to not move on

by jjeuwi



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, i hate myself for making this, sanayeon tragic af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 16:01:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14622132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjeuwi/pseuds/jjeuwi
Summary: a guide to breaking your own heart.





	how to not move on

**Author's Note:**

> its been a while since ive written  
> but this has been stuck in the dungeon for the longest  
> and i finally got the motivation to finish it  
> so here it is.  
> a little crappy but whatever  
> i hope someone enjoys it anyways

Nayeon wakes up sore, pain pulsating her entire body as she recollects herself. She watches the dust dance around through a silver ray of sun peeking from behind the curtains and it takes a while to register that this is reality.

She shuts her eyes as the familiar pain creeps up from her chest to her throat, stabbing at her heart.

It’s one of those days where she wakes up alone. She could remember crying herself to sleep the other night, and wonders if she had slept the entire day away.

 

Who knows?

 

Sana is just a figment of her imaginations now and her presence is something she can’t manifest.

If Nayeon could tell the truth, she doesn’t want to move on. Because that would mean losing Sana as a whole, that Sana would no longer exist in her heart, or anywhere at all. She figures this is better than losing her. So she picks herself off the floor and makes plans for dinner with Mina.

“8pm at the regular. Chicken and soju, enough to forget.”

“Got it, chief.”

 

They sit on the rooftop of Mina’s apartment complex like a daily routine. Mina offers her the first bottle, not pouring it into a shot glass because she knows Nayeon likes it that way, bitter and unpromising.

“You’re looking better.”

What Mina means to say is, You can’t drink your life away. But she keeps her mouth shut because she knows this is the best way Nayeon knows how. And it’s not like the girl hasn’t heard those words from Jihyo numerous times.

“You’re lying.” A soft chuckle escapes from the inside of her lungs. she wishes she meant that more.

“Sleeping better?” Mina pops the bottle open and takes a quick swig, leaving no room for eye contact between them, just tangible silence.

“If you could call it that.” Nayeon nods, feeling the alcohol burn her throat. But she figures it hurts less than saying Sana’s name.

These days have been less of a bother and she owes it to Mina for keeping her company, even Jeongyeon couldn’t stand watching her fall apart like this.

“I’ve got something for you.” Mina says, eyes twinkling just as much, if not more, than the celestial stars above. “That’s if you’re up for it.”

Nayeon pauses, turning to face Mina for the first time in a while.

“Let’s run away.”

 

And that’s how Mina ends up in her rundown convertible, making sure to drive smoothly so that Nayeon doesn’t wake up. The clock reads way past midnight and they don’t have clothes, or food, or a plan. Just each other.

 

_What an impulsive decision._

 

Mina thinks and repeatedly asks herself if she’s doing the right thing. But there is no right thing when it comes to this.

“Where are we?” Nayeon lazily shifts, eyes heavy and worn from the lack of proper sleep. The road is still dark and there is no one in sight for miles.

“I don’t know.” Mina shrugs and there’s a tinge of exhaustion in her voice that she tries to cover up. She knows Nayeon would offer to drive, even if there’s no definitive destination in mind.

“Is there anywhere your heart would want to go?” Mina knows the answer but asks anyways. She knows that if she could, Nayeon’s heart wouldn’t hesitate to run back to Sana.

Nayeon doesn’t bother to even put up a fight against her own will. It would only be annoying for Mina to hear her complain about hurting and wanting someone who had left her with no palpable reason. So she opts for something they could both enjoy.

 

“The beach at sunrise.”

 

The sun is still tucked away when Mina pulls into the parking lot. There is still a reverie that keeps her awake. What will the next few days look like alone with Im Nayeon?

“Will I be able to fix you?” She whispers under her breath, keeping her gaze at Nayeon sleeping peacefully.

It’s always like this. Mina repairs her until she self destructs. It’s a toxic cycle of wanting and not wanting, of loving and not loving. Whatever it takes to bring Nayeon back, she would do.

Nayeon wakes just in time to watch the sunrise and Mina almost forgets what they came here for.

“Morning sunshine.” She greets and it sets her nerves on fire. “Looks like the best sleep you’ve had in a while.”

Nayeon nods tiredly and exits the vehicle. “Would you like to watch the sunset with me?

They prop themselves on the hood of Mina’s black Ferrari and share a morning smoke.

“How are you?” Mina takes a puff, passing the cigarette over to Nayeon. She really hates to ask but she supposes that this can’t go on forever.

Nayeon knows exactly what she’s asking. It’s not really a how are you how are you, but like a how have you been dealing with this how are you.

She sighs and thinks of ways to escape the question. But even she supposes that it can’t go on forever.

“I don’t really know.” It’s the truth coming from her red lips. She really has no idea what she’s been doing to cope for the past few months.

“She didn’t really deserve you, you know?” Mina knows she has no right to say this, but she does it anyways for the sake of talking about something. Afterall, Nayeon had never spoken in depth to anyone about what clearly happened. All they know is that Sana doesn’t love her anymore.

 

And Nayeon refuses to believe that.

 

“I know that,” she interjects, “but there’s not really much I can do to convince myself that I’m going to be okay.”

Despite being nearly half a year since she had gone, Sana is still very much a part of her life. Nayeon would never admit it but still sees her everywhere and she hates herself for it. “Do you at least think she’s having a hard time too?”

And there it is. Nayeon searching for answers, Nayeon looking for hope, like she always does. But not even Google could help her answer that. So maybe Mina can.

“You know,” she starts, rubbing her thumb against the red stained cigarette butt, the remnants of Nayeon’s lips, “I don’t think it should matter if she is. Sometimes things just simply don’t have an answer. And in situations like yours, I’m afraid that —”

“There’s no answer.” For a second there’s a hint of anger in her voice, but the rest dissolves into depression.

“Yeah,” Mina nods softly, flicking away the cigarette butt. “I know it’s easier to have answers. But really the only one who can answer you is Sana. And even then, I’m not sure you’re going to get the one you want to hear.”

She’s got a point. It’s far too unstable to hold onto something without a foundation. But no matter how right Mina is, she can barely breathe when she utters Sana’s name.

 

The sun’s far enough from the horizon that it’s safe to say that they should get going. So the next place Mina’s mind takes them is a motel. It’s rundown and old, tearing at the corners but it suffices, as long as they’re together.

There are two separate beds that lay in the room and Nayeon could feel the exhaustion rising to the tips of her fingers. Mina’s in the middle of changing into something more comfortable before hopping onto the opposite bed.

The silence wraps around them for a second or two, like a warm familiar blanket.

“Sleep with me.”

Nayeon mutters, eyes shut and voice laced with sleep and longing. The words catch in Mina’s throat, almost squeezing them shut with disbelief.

“Please.”

It’s in the desperation of Nayeon’s voice that makes her want to stay. So she scoots off her bed and slips in next to her, close enough to hear Nayeon’s even breathing.

This is the moment Mina refuses to admit to herself. And it’s long gone when Nayeon inches closer, a recond moment in time where her breath hitches and stops. Nayeon’s skin is feverishly hot and blended with a dangerous coat of fragility. And there’s no risk she wouldn’t take to feel it all. The world stays still. Until Nayeon’s eyes flicker open, meeting Mina’s nervous stare, and suddenly the world is revolving with noise she’s never heard, her heartbeat.

“You keep me here.” Nayeon says, softly and lazily. And that makes it twice as mesmerizing as it could ever be. “In this moment, you’re the only one keeping me here.”

Mina knows it’s wrong. She isn’t the one keeping her here. It’s Sana. It has always been Sana and it will always be Sana. But is it so wrong to hope that for a second, she’s saving Nayeon?

Her breathing staggers as Nayeon encloses the space between them, the few centimeters keeping them apart. And Mina finally tastes her, the alcohol laced with bitter nicotine.

However bitter Sana tasted, Mina tasted just as sweet.

And it almost opens a new realm until her phone vibrates on the bedside table. Twice and then a third time.

Nayeon pulls away slowly, keeping contact with Mina’s soft brown eyes. She sees her silhouette within them, as if there was no one else for Mina but her.

“You should check that.” Mina says, more resolved than ever. Nayeon nods and flips on her other side to check.

Her heart stops when she reads the name glossed onto her phone screen and however much Mina repaired her is as much as she is falling apart again.

 

_Hey._

_It’s been a while._

_Can we talk?_

 

For the first time in nearly six months, she hears from Sana. And it fills her with joy and anxiety and hate all at the same time.

She doesn’t answer. Because it’s the best way she knows how to keep her composure. Especially after whatever just happened with Mina. Nayeon’s got a lot of explaining to do.

They hit the road again. This time Nayeon urges to go back home and Mina obliges without question. To be fair, the getaway was tiring enough without a single destination. And Mina’s starting to feel grimy and gross. So she complies and heads home for the weekend.

“Thanks, Mina.” Nayeon says, stepping out of the vehicle with a small smile. They never really talked about what happened last night and Mina supposes it should stay that way.

“Anytime.” She nods and shoots a soft grin. “See you tomorrow at the rooftop?”

Nayeon nods and shuts the door, watching Mina’s car turn into a small dot in the distance until it completely disappears from her sight.

The messages sear themselves into Nayeon’s mind and she can’t help but wonder if she should reply. But it takes all of her strength and courage to set her phone down and pretend it never happened.

 

She catches Jihyo at the cafe later that day in hopes to ask for advice.

“She messaged me.” Nayeon says, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

“What?” Jihyo retorts in confusion.

“Sana, I mean. She messaged me last night.” She repeats and she could feel the change in the air as Jihyo shifts in her seat trying to piece the words together.

“What’d she say?”

“She wants to talk.” She pauses for a minute, pursing her lips.

“But do you?” Jihyo scoots closer towards the table, her body leaning forward anxiously. She knows how painful this is for Nayeon and is grateful that she came to her for advice. If anything, she hates Sana just as much for hurting her friend. But even then, she needs to keep unbiased.

“I don’t know.” Nayeon shrugs, finally looking up to meet Jihyo’s eyes.

There’s hurt swimming in them and Jihyo notices for the first time that there’s solid responsibility in Nayeon’s eyes.

“I don’t want to give her that satisfaction, you know?”

Jihyo nods in agreement. It seems that Nayeon turns colder every time they meet. And she doesn’t blame her one bit for being so reserved when it comes to Sana.

“You’re strong, Nayeon. I feel that whenever you talk about her.” She starts, assuring the girl that she, by no means, needs to reply to Sana whatsoever. “She is not your priority anymore. You can’t keep pining after her.”

There’s silence that follows after as Nayeon comes to a conclusion that it’s better to leave the situation alone. Especially now that she’s finally starting to hope for the future. For Mina.

 

Sana’s dying to speak to her. And it makes no sense how Nayeon could leave it at that, without replying to any of her messages.

The week passed by slowly. There is both fear and sorrow brewing in her chest as she sits idly, waiting for a response. And when there’s none, Sana thinks of the craziest thing to do to get Nayeon back.

 

She turns up at her front door.

 

It leaves Nayeon all the more speechless, in bouts of anger and fury that she’s having trouble holding back. And Sana could see the ice forming in her eyes when they become non-responsive and indifferent to her presence.

“How may I help you?” She says, in a way that makes Sana flinch.

“Nayeon…”

“Do I know you?” She’s toneless but underneath all of it is the hurt and pain she’s been trying to melt for all these months.

“Please, don’t do this.” Sana begs, the tears stinging her eyes as they make their way around the rims.

“Who is it?” A soft voice from the kitchen disrupts the melodramatic scene before them. Mina comes into view, just behind Nayeon’s shoulder.

There’s a pang in Sana’s heart, a big one. And she could feel her heart drop five stories below them.

 

_God, why am I doing this? This is all wrong._

 

She’s trying to keep all composure, her hands balled into fists against her pleated jeans. And it takes all her courage to apologize for ruining the night.

“Sorry.” She cuts in, avoiding Nayeon’s gaze. “This was a mistake. I’ll go now.”

She expects Nayeon to shut the door, but instead in the angriest and most pained tone she’s ever heard, Nayeon speaks, embodying every bit of rage. “Who do you think you are?”

Sana stops in her tracks, not daring to turn around and face her.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” She repeats, the fury in her voice burns in the back of her throat, trying to fight back the tsunami of angry tears. “If you think you have any right to crawl back into my life and think I’d beg you to stay, you’re wrong.”

It’s all the truth that Nayeon hates her. It’s all the truth that she still loves her. But for Sana to leave without explanation puzzles her enough to say that she doesn’t want to start over again.

“I’m sorry.” She says, breaths hitching unevenly as she shuts her eyes, fighting the tides trying to escape forcefully.

“Save it.” She hangs onto her words so loosely that they come undone by the time they reach Sana. “Whatever excuse you have, I don’t need it.”

She turns around and lets the humiliation hit her. Whatever it was that she felt, was nothing compared to what Nayeon had gone through. “Nayeon, please. Just let me explain.”

“Explain what, exactly? Explain why you gave up? Or better yet, explain why you’re back here? Cause that’s exactly what I’m wondering, Sana.”

God, the way Nayeon says her name stings and the choked up tears catch at the back of the throat till they form crystals down her cheeks. She’s doing it. She’s really doing it. Crying when she knows she has no right to, especially in front of Nayeon.

“Oh, for fucks sake. Save the drama.” There’s so much anger standing in front of her that Sana doesn’t recognize who she’s talking to. And she realizes that’s exactly how Nayeon felt when she had said things she meant out of anger.

“I loved you.” The words escape her lips so terribly, she’s nearly sobbing. “So much that it hurt every second without you.”

The anger in Nayeon’s eyes begin to dull but she fights back every part that tells her to forgive. And Sana could see the tears forming around the rims, turning red at the pockets before they give out.

 

The rain began.

 

“No.” Nayeon shuts her eyes, regaining balance and strength to carry out this conversation because she swears it’s the last time she’ll ever talk to her again. “I needed you to fight for me. Fuck, Sana. All I needed was for you to stay.”

“And I’ll stay.” Sana grasps at all her options in desperation. “I promise this time I’ll stay.”

“I needed you to stay then. Not now, not any other time.” Her voice retreats back to desolation and when she opens her eyes, there’s no trace of the Nayeon she once knew. “Do you even understand what I went through? I almost died, Sana. And every fucking day I wish I did.”

Sana’s heart breaks in a million places, scattering the pieces in ways she can’t pick up.

“I was willing to wait.” Her voice dipped in sadness and pain and when Sana looks to meet her eyes, they are wet and stormy at the edges. “And I did. But I got so tired, Sana. Of asking. Of searching for answers.”

Sana shuts her eyes and lets the waves fall and drown her in hurt and regret till she forgets how to swim.

“So please,” Nayeon says with desperation catching in her throat, “please, let’s just take this. Take whatever closure this is so we can be whole again.”

If it’s the last thing Sana could give her, she would do it in a heartbeat. “Okay.” She nods, and Nayeon inches close enough to wipe her tears.

This is the closest she had ever been in months. And her touch was achingly soft that Sana almost begs for more. Until Nayeon retracts her hands and they both return each other’s hearts. Something they had been living without for far too long.

“I loved you first.” Sana says, reminding her that she had touched and loved her in ways no one had ever.

“And you let go of your chance.” She concedes, reminding her that she had left once before.

It hurts all at once again but Sana nods and offers her a wistful smile. She wishes she meant that more. “I love you, Nayeon.” She whispers almost inaudibly as she turns around and exits down the hall.

 

When Nayeon gets into bed, Mina asks if she wants to be alone. “I could leave, if you need space.”

But Nayeon simply shakes her head, only asking for comfort and Mina gladly obliges, tucking her head in the crook of her neck. They lay like that for a while and Mina kisses away every tear that escapes her eyes.

But in every way that she loves her, Mina hates to break her again.

“Nayeon?” She calls out huskily. “I love you, you know that right?”

“But?” Nayeon cuts in.

“But I think you need time to figure this out.” She says, calmly combing through Nayeon’s jet black hair. “I don’t think you’re ready for me. And that’s okay. I’ll always be here when you are.”

Nayeon understands and allows for Mina to reason with her.

“I don’t want to be a rebound.” She admits, the words are dull and sharp at the same time. “I want you to take time and figure it out.”

Nayeon lays still, taking in the words and understanding that Mina deserves more than this broken time machine, reliving the past. It’s time to come back now.

“I want this to be real.” She confesses in her soft, honey coated voice. And it makes her all the more irresistible to Nayeon. “And when it does become real, you know where to find me.”

 

“I love you, Nayeon.” Both voices echo in her head. Nayeon wakes up alone the next morning, pain pulsating her temples.

 

And the healing process begins.

**Author's Note:**

> i love you, onces


End file.
